Divorcing a Narcissist in British Columbia
Divorce can be difficult at the best of times. However, if the two parties approach it rationally and without malice for each other, the process will likely be amicable and relatively quick.
That will likely not be the case if one of the partners has a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. In those situations, the other partner faces a long and gruelling ordeal. It has been said that the only thing harder than being married to a narcissist is divorcing one.
If you are in that situation, there are steps you can take to reduce the pressure you will be under.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder in Divorce
According to a B.C. Supreme Court judgment, a psychiatrist described a father he found to be narcissistic as having a “grandiose sense of self importance … [he] believes he is ‘special’ and unique, has a sense of entitlement, is interpersonally exploitative, lacks empathy and shows arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudes.”
The psychiatrist added, “Many highly successful individuals display personality traits that might be considered narcissistic. Only when these traits are inflexible, maladaptive, and persisting and cause significant functional impairment or subjective distress do they constitute Narcissistic Personality Disorder.”
The B.C. branch of the Canadian Mental Health Association describes a narcissist as someone who displays a “pattern of feeling overly important, needing admiration from others and having a lack of empathy.”
It adds that “narcissistic personality disorder may not be identified until middle age.”
Characteristics of Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Generally speaking, a narcissist:
- has fantasies of power, brilliance or beauty;
- displays an exhibitionistic need for attention and admiration;
- feels entitled to special favours or feel they have the right to take advantage of others;
- is unable to empathize with the feelings of others;
- will lie and present alternative facts, leading listeners to question their own understanding of reality;
- pits people against each other to get what he wants; and
- if criticized, a narcissist may be either be coolly indifferent or will display feelings of rage.
Given the personality traits described above, it is easy to understand why divorcing a narcissist is often so difficult. Legal counsel from a firm experienced in dealing with this debilitating behaviour is essential.
Recognizing and Addressing Narcissistic Behaviour in Marriage
Spouses may be embarrassed, or even ashamed, that they allowed themselves to marry a person with such a troubling personality disorder. They should put those feelings aside.
That is because narcissists hide their behaviour when it suits them. At the onset of a romantic relationship, a narcissist can be agreeable, loving and confident. Over time, these traits may fade away as the narcist increasingly controls decision-making in the family.
Once the disorder is revealed, counselling from therapists or psychologists may help one or both spouses to understand and manage the personality disorder. However, if separation becomes the healthier path forward, a family lawyer can help them leave the relationship while minimizing conflict.
Strategies for Divorcing a Narcissist in B.C.
Limiting Communication with a Narcissistic Ex-Partner
Once separation occurs and you are living apart, it is often advisable to reduce all communication with the narcissist spouse. That can be difficult, as your ex-partner may inundate you to remain in a position of control. They may flood your email box and phone answering system with messages. Some might be angry, others begging you for forgiveness and reconciliation. A narcissist will often know what your triggers are and may be very good at pushing your buttons to lure you back into their web.
Using Email as a Primary Communication Method
Email is the best way to communicate when you need to be in touch with your ex-partner. It gives you time to think before responding to messages and it keeps a record of the dialogue. If your former spouse is abusive and threatening, those emails can be used as evidence in divorce court. If necessary, only communicate with him through your lawyer. The security and peace of mind that will bring will outweigh any additional legal expenses.
Maintaining Emotional Distance in Narcissistic Divorce
Don’t let emotion get in the way of a clear thought process when dealing with a narcissist. Keep in mind that emotional displays could very well be an act, and so it is important not to be manipulated by pleas or demands.
Enforcing Boundaries and Court Orders
A narcissist will likely test your boundaries to maintain control and ensure that things go their way. They will generally interpret compromise as a weakness, which will strengthen their resolve. Therefore ensure that you follow any court orders restricting their contact or parenting time.
Importance of Documentation in Narcissistic Divorce Cases
Narcissists bend the truth to suit their own narrative. During the divorce, you will likely be faced with misrepresentation, outrageous accusations or outright lies. Since narcissists are often superficially charming, their allegations and accusations can sound convincing. The best way to deal with that is through documentation. For example, if a narcissistic spouse claims that the two of you equally split childcare duties, documentation such as daycare pick-up/drop-off logs, text messages or the written testimony of other family members can show that you did most of that childcare work. Challenging a narcissist’s credibility is essential.
The Uncompromising Nature of Narcissists
Even though there are no real “winners” in divorce, the best outcome is some form of equitable splitting of responsibilities and assets. Since the narcissist typically believes they are a victim, being proven right becomes their ultimate goal, making compromise difficult.
Self-Care and Support During a Narcissistic Divorce
Even amicable divorces can be stressful as the two partners establish new lives. The challenges involved in divorcing a narcissist generally add to this stress. Be sure to lean on a friend or family member or a mental health professional therapist.
Contact Us for Legal Help
The legal team at Mills Family Law has the experience to guide you through the unique challenges that may arise when your former spouse has a narcissistic personality disorder. Contact us for a free consultation.
